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My Son was my wake up call

my voice of reason was him✨

In 2010

My husband and I were driving back home with my then just turned 1 year old son at the back seat.

When we drove past a shop and Brayden says “Mommy” with a tone of someone that was worried or concerned

I responded “yes, my love are you ok?” that’s when he went on to say “mommy, that shop wrote the Alphabet in the wrong order”I asked him “what do you mean, my love” and he responded “Mommy, there is no Y after the letter K”

That is when I realised that oh oh, I have myself a smart kid

Little did I know how intelligent he was going to become

When he started school and they did a test to see his level of intelligence – there was no surprise when he scored 98% in the above average category

even the fact that his favourite school subject is Maths…

I say to myself I don’t know who’s child that is

Little did I know that it be that same boy 10 years later that would be the one to have a talk with me, that talk is what helped open my eyes to see that I was at the early stages of depression.

Summer 2020 was one the hardest time for me, in my last job and I started to get stressed and from stress I went on to start having anxiety and from there I experienced a panic attack episode for the first time.

November 2020 – is when I knew what my trigger was and that I needed out of that toxic environment but not until…

One Tuesday afternoon I was waiting for my son Brayden to come home from school, I was excited and couldn’t wait to tell him the good news. (I had Brayden at the age of 21 and he was always so mature for his age) He was like my therapist before I knew that I wanted to study Psychology).

Brayden comes home from school and I say “My love, I finally had a big win again and closed that deal” I see no expression on his face, in my head I am now asking myself, why does he not seem happy for me? all they do (him and his sister) is pray before bed time “God, please let mommy close so she can be happy again”

These two side by side pictures, shows me at my heaviest weight ever! I was 72kg while being 5ft3 (160cm). I was overweight by 12kg’s based on my height.

I didnt recognise that person, I have never been this heavy but after a bad day my go to menthod of comfort was eating. I would make dinner with a whole plate full and finish it (those that know me know I can’t finish even a half plate of food) When it was time for bed, I couldn’t sleep due to fear of work the next day, so when everyone would be asleep around 3am I would be eating and binge watch Netflix series.

For me it was realising my “self worth”.. I realised the experience I had, the skills I have and even though I like to joke that my kids got their intelligence from their dad.. everyone around me know I am one heck of an intelligent woman that just prefers, beauty and fashion while my husband and kids are all into science, history, geography like anything really that usually brings me to sleep 😂

As verbal exchanges kept happening (at that stage it was verbal abuse and I wish there was a lighter word to use) unfortunately what I was enduring on our one to one session was nothing less than the big V word.

Every day I would cry so much and go under my blanket, at times I wouldn’t even leave the room. It became so bad to the point that my husband had to come get me out with motivational speech. We develoved a new routine because of that, we started the morning with prayer and motivational speech in order for me to get through the day.

I was so angry, I was angry that I let this person get to me. I am usually a strong person however, 2020 was uncertain times and I couldn’t belive that this person chose to be this horrible to not only me but 3 others that I know as well.

They had all left the company but I was still there because I felt I would lose and they would think they won and that is why I help on for so long to the point that I crashed mentally. I didnt know how to tell those close to me because, on team calls this person would be super nice to everyone in the team including me.

Even when I was trying to share a little bit, it was hard for my colleagues to believe me I felt like, I didn’t blame them because for them how can this sweet person that helps us progress and is super nice to use be that cruel to her. It was happening on one to one call and it would not be recorded.

When I we had the last horrible conversation, were we screamed at each other ay 8.30 am and I told her all the facts. This person softened a bit at the end because she realised that I started collected proof and if I had gone to HR she would have been in trouble.

After my conversation with my Son, it made me realise that my sanity was more important then me sticking around to fight against a person they brought in to show a bit of diversity in leadership because this person was the only leader in the company of that gender. It would have become her word against mine.

One thing I did and my husband never let me go to the level where I would wish her bad things, because he mentioned this would only eat me alive because that is not a person I am, I am not a person that wishes bad on others or that I make it my point to destroy someone mental. However, I all I did was put her in prayers and said whatever ill I wish them, would never compare to whatever they have coming as I asked my God to be the judge. I serve a living God and I know I tried my best, my lord know my heart and the person I am and what I had to endure and is justice will be more serving.

Bad things happen to good people because God allows it to happen. I believe that situation didn’t just happen, God made me go through to that to make me stronger and from that experience is how HAYRD came about.

When I was working on that team with that person, I had felt that I lost my voice and that I was never heard! This is how I came up with HAYRD which I pronounce as heard because I will never be silenced again! I wanted to have a place where people can also come and feel heard and use their voices.

The becoming

It was important for me to start working on my Self acceptance first, accepting that my weight had changed. Accepting that I went through all of that but that doesn’t make me week. It was important for me to then start knowing mysel worth again. Lastly, it was now time for me to start my SELF CARE and SELF LOVE journey.

These are the steps I took and I would recommend the same thing for you that is reading this:

Daily self check ins

How are you really doing today?
What are some of your to do list? What are some of the things or life events you have coming up in the next 6 months?

Open any device or anywhere you have a calendar 🗓 and write ✍️ it down! Give yourself 6 months – set a reminder. In 6 months time come back to those same goals/tasks or questions that you wrote and tick✅ or cross out what you managed to accomplish.
We are always worrying ourself and setting up goals 🎯 targets!
What do we do when we complete those goals? Mostly nothing right? Now is the time for you to tap yourself on your back for having a task completed 👏🏾🙌🏾

Every 6 months when you are able to complete even just ONE item remember to celebrate yourself 🎉 for the ones you weren’t able to accomplish off your list add another 6 months and repeat the cycle. 📝

Self Analysis

What does happiness REALLY mean to you?

[*] Love
[ ] Money
[ ] Success
[*] Freedom
[*] Peace of mind
[ ] All of the above

The above 3 was what is the most important for me. After my conversation with my son 3 less than 3 months later I left that toxic place and found myself again and my kids, family and husband finally had the funny, bubbly old me again.

I want to thank you, if you made it this far and I ask that you reshare – repost this blog because we so as many people can read it and if this blog can even help just one person have that lightbulb moment, then I would have completed my mission. NO MORE SUFFERING IN SILENCE! You have a voice so join HAYRD and help me to help you, so we can help each other. #spreadtheword