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the link between the child you and the adult you
your childhood experiences affects your adulthood✨
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Have you ever wondered why some kids are bullies?
Have you ever wondered why they are bullies? I mean they are kids right? So what would make a kid become a bully?
I wondered that too! One day I asked my professor in university, what happens to the kids that a bullies in school when they become adults?
He responded: they usually find another way to release their anger. Those kids are usually the ones that grow up and bully colleagues or they sometimes turn into those abusive partners.
Let me break it down for you a bit more.
When a child is at home and they see either their parents always fight or at home they don’t get enough attention due to, I don’t know it can be many things for example:
Too many siblings and they are not getting enough attention because it is going to the other siblings or a new sibling or simply there is that one sibling that can do no wrong in the eyes of their parents.
The reason why it is important as adults or parents to be mentally well and taking self care to be in a good mindset is because when we are dealing with our own personal battles – when do we have time to acknowledge our children’s presence fully? How will we notice that our child is silently screaming for attention when we are in a bubble and dealing with self issues to notice those around you?
These kids then go to school, at a place they consider their territory, a place where they feel they can control the narratives. A place they feel powerful.
This is why a child will then go to school and starts to misbehave, for them when they act up, the teacher or year head calls the parents. They then either get in trouble with the parent or need to be collected etc…
For that kid it means they are getting attention for once, a kid once they notice that they get attention when they behave bad, guess what? They will keep on behaving bad.
At that point they don’t really care that the attention they been getting is actually bad attention. That child then start thinking at least I am now being noticed and they feel as though are being seen.
I don’t know the exact percentages however, there is a high percentage of those kids that misbehave/bully etc due to the environment they are living in at home.
As a mother of 4 and 2 teenagers I can speak on it as well from experience or experience of those with older kids around me.
Why do we think, when kids start turning into adolescents that they then starts locking themselves in their rooms?
The adolescence age is when they are aware of their identity and if they feel misunderstood or as kids say “No one gets me” they lock themselves in a room.
As a parent when you start noticing that, take your kid for a walk or have a talk with them and say “I have noticed that you have been in your room a lot lately” which is unlike you – what is going? 98% will say nothing! I just want to watch my stuff or play my games.
Let me give you an example: My two eldest kids couldn’t be more opposites from each other, one tells me absolutely everything to a point where I myself say ok I could have done without hearing that!
The other one, if you ask them how they are doing it is always fine.. never really wants to get deep. To the point that, in order for me to hear what has been going on their lives the other sibling tells me x y z happened in school. When I pull them in to ask about it, they say it’s nothing!
However, I can see by their body language and the expression on their face that they are not being truthful but I can’t push the subject because they will or can easily close off and then I get to hear nothing.
So I have different approaches…
- I either tell them I know what has been going on and try to discuss it with them or
- I don’t tell them I know and try to find something we both like doing and while we are spending time together, that is when I start the conversation.
When I start the conversation I play as if I don’t know anything and start talking about my own experiences (similar to the topic) how I dealt with the situation and then I tell them my point of view of that situation now as an adult.
Even though they didn’t tell me something is bothering them, I still give advice and that approach no one is being defensive, no one is shutting down right? Because this is a conversation about me not you 😁
This is the approach I started using with my other child and I guarantee you that 99.9% of the time I get to see my child be joyful again shortly there after.
The point here is to get through to our kids.
Also when I speak with my children, I tell them the good , the bad and the ugly things I did as a child. I don’t like to paint myself as the perfect child or that I was not there trying everything that was trending when I was a teen.
I tell them yup I did that too and I enjoyed it or I didn’t. I did enjoy it but as an adult now I regret doing it but at least I am being open and honest with them.
Let’s break that cycle that we had in our generation where parents will not speak to us about these “teenage topics” and we had to discover it from the outside world! That is and was usually when kids even would try something to the extreme because you know what? You are not influencing their experience but they are getting influenced from the outside world.
When I am not happy with my child and I am giving out to them.. I could be boiling with anger and so are they but guess what? I always, always let them speak their mind- I need to hear their side of the story too!
No more, of saying these sentences “you are a kid” what do you know! You know why? Because even though they are only kids, they still have a voice and I don’t want to silence them because the after effects on that will be…
When they are older and in a relationship, they will turn the table and not want to hear their partner out. That will be a trigger moment for them.
Trauma or triggers are not always caused by extreme events. It can be as simple as not hearing your kid out or not hugging your kids, not telling them that you love them – they will possibly grow up to be less affectionate towards their partner.
We can only give what we know — when we are in relationship or certain parents don’t tell their kids I love you, or don’t show their kid love.. we like to think that is cruel but how can we expect to give something we never experienced?
The reason why I started studying Child Psychology first is because everything we do when we become adults has always, something to do with your childhood experiences.
You can go see a Psychologist for marriage, Addiction, mental health – what do they always say? Talk to me about, what it was like when you where younger?
We cannot only allow our kids to show their emotions when they happy and any other emotion is dismissed.
That will be all bottled up inside… remember that saying, boys don’t cry? Well if he is not crying how is he releasing the hurt and/or the pain? They are not! so that hurt and pain will eventually turn into anger!
Let your kids cry and then give them space to cry, give them space to feel all of the emotions that they are feeling and you? stay behind their door, so when they open the door they see you and proceed to give them the biggest hug EVER.
Sometimes when you see that your child is sad or upset, don’t say anything just hug them for a good 30 second… if they release fine but if they don’t, that is also fine because you did your job as a parent and are now letting them be, let them go and carry on with your day.
Without saying a word! that hug says a lot but most importantly it shows them, you hear them and that you see them.
If there was a take away from this blog, it shouldn’t be just for kids or those that have kids but also for yourself because you also were a kid and you may also have experienced some of what was mentioned on this blog.
Let me leave you with this to think about – if I ask what is the very first memory you have as a kid, what was it and how old were you? Please try to go the youngest age you remember and don’t make excuses or justify but really try to relive that day and how do you really feel?
Now look at yourself at this adult age, what from your very first childhood souvenir is applied at your adult age today?
Example:
A child that was never hugged as a child by a parent. They were always by this relative and the next, comment below what some of traits you think they still have today, based on their childhood experience?
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